I Can't Bear for You to Hate Me
by Fragments of Time
Summary: Elsa finds herself struggling to control her powers and isolating herself from her sister once more as she battles with a new feeling: love. Anna worries for her sister and tries to get Elsa to talk to her about whatever is bothering her. Both just want to make things right.
1. Chapter 1

"Don't feel it," Elsa told herself before immediately cringing in guilt. She'd told Anna she wouldn't do that anymore, after Anna saw her like that one day. For the first time, Elsa had understood what people meant when they described someone as looking heartbroken.

_"Elsa…!" she said, coming over to give her a hug._

_Elsa was a bit startled. She automatically pulled away before Anna could touch her. Her mantra continued in her mind._

_"Elsa, it's okay. It's okay too feel now, I promise." She reached out to touch Elsa's arm. "I'm here and I love you."_

_Elsa tried to focus on that. To think about their love instead of her fear. She felt herself starting to calm, and when she allowed herself to stop her mental mantra, no more ice appeared. On the other hand, though, there was ice around her from earlier that she had not at all meant to create. It was melting now, but she hated that it had happened in the first place._

_"I…is that how you've tried to control your powers?" Anna asked after a period of silence. She had a bad feeling it was._

_"Yes." Anna looked pretty distraught, and more so after her confirmation. Elsa didn't understand, but she had never seen anyone look so sad._

_She couldn't stand the realization that Elsa had lived like that for the last thirteen years. And yet, Elsa didn't even seem to think there was anything wrong with it, which in a way made it even worse. She had to fight back tears, knowing Elsa would just focus on her instead if she cried. "You don't have to do that anymore," she told her. "You can control them with love… not numbness! And if you have trouble, I'm _always_ here for you. I'm always here, so please…" She felt her tears fall, but she ignored that and continued with what she had been saying. "Please don't tell yourself you aren't allowed to feel."_

_Elsa really didn't understand. But Anna seemed so upset, she wanted to agree just to comfort her. It didn't seem like something difficult to follow through on, so she said, "Okay. I'll try not to do that anymore."_

But this wasn't something she could talk to Anna about, and even alone, thinking about "their love" just made her feel even worse. There was ice in the room which she knew she could not melt anymore, and more was forming. It was going to raise questions, so all the more reason she needed to stop. Don't feel.

She was disgusted with herself for losing control of her powers, and for what was currently on her mind.

_Don't feel_. Don't feel.

How could she look at Anna knowing she'd let her down? She hadn't been able to look her in the eye for the past week already. Not since she'd come to realize something.

Elsa was in love with her sister.


	2. Chapter 2

"Elsa?" Anna asked, knocking on her door.

Shit. There was so much ice; there was no way she could let Anna in right now, or rather, let her see the ice. Instead, Elsa got up and exited the room to talk, quickly closing the door behind her.

Anna looked a bit confused at this, but she didn't say anything about it. Instead, she shuffled her feet a little, not quite looking at Elsa.

"Is something wrong?"

She hesitated. "Did… did I do something wrong?"

"What do you mean?" Elsa asked, really not sure why Anna would think she had done anything wrong at all.

"It's just, it feels like you've been avoiding me, so…" She rubbed her arm, feeling uncomfortable asking.

Oh. God, what an idiot! Elsa thought these things, directed solely at herself. Of course Anna would be sensitive to something like that, and of course she would interpret it in that way! Elsa shook her head adamantly. "You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sorry. I just have things on my mind." She stopped herself from reaching out to touch her like she would have otherwise, afraid the contact would reveal her feelings.

Now Anna's expression became a bit concerned, but she didn't look like she was feeling bad anymore, at least. "Queen stuff?" she asked sympathetically.

"Yes. I've been a bit preoccupied with that, so I have been less social. I'm sory for letting you misunderstand." Mentally, she apologized for lying. Then again, she was already effectively lying by omission, keeping the ice hidden.

"That's okay." She reached to give Elsa a hug, only to become even more concerned as Elsa immediately stiffened, and when she did hug back it was with unusual caution. Elsa being hesitant to touch… She guessed that Elsa might be worried about controlling her powers due to the amount of stress she was under, so she tried to pour all her love into the hug as a reminder and a comfort.

"I… I should get back to work," Elsa excused herself, pulling away.

"Oh… okay. I hope the stuff works itself out soon."

Sincerely, Elsa answered, "Me too." She then disappeared back into her room.


	3. Chapter 3

Back in her room, Elsa scolded herself in frustration. Now she was lying to her sister. She was hiding things again. And worst of all, her _feelings_. Sine childhood she had hated her powers, and by extension, herself. That view had only just begun to change, and now she hated herself with disgust at her unnatural, inexcusable love for Anna. What was _wrong_ with her?!

Ice was growing again, and all she could do was to tell herself again and again to stop feeling. She was breaking her promise, but at this point, what was one more dishonesty? She hated herself for thinking like that. She was the worst—

_Don't feel_. Don't feel. Don't feel.

It took her a while to stop feeling, but she did succeed. She still needed to figure out what to do about that damned emotion. Every time she tried, her feelings got in the way. Still, she tried again, because she had to figure something out. Clearly, trying to pretend she didn't hold romantic feelings for Anna was not working. She couldn't seem to stop having them, either, or that would be by far the more preferable choice. So, that left her only two good options out. What else was there? Telling Anna was _not_ an option. She needed to figure out how to stop having those feelings. It was the only thing she could do. Not that she hadn't already tried… and tried… and tried. If it hadn't worked by now – and it definitely hadn't – she obviously needed a different way. What else was there she could do? It wasn't as though she thought Anna had no flaws, and yet she still felt she was perfect. The two were not mutually exclusive, after all. But with someone so perfect, how was she supposed to stop loving her? Plus, she would always love her as a sister… how was she supposed to establish that line again? When had that line disappeared?

She had tried multiple times to identify what had changed. Yet, she had no answer for either question. There hadn't particularly been an exact, single point in time when she had had a sudden realization, either. It seemed like it had just started to happen gradually, until at some point she found herself able to put words to it.

She sighed, moving to lean against the headboard of her bed. She had tried so many times to convince herself that she was misunderstanding her feelings. That all sisters felt that way toward each other, or maybe it was just because of their experiences having spent so much of their lives separated and alone. They sounded like pretty convincing reasons, and it wasn't exactly like she had tons of experience with understanding feelings, particularly ones that related to others. So why did she know she was lying to herself?

Part of it was Kristoff. She could hardly watch him with Anna. QAt first, she had chalked this jealousy up to being a result of her being completely uninvolved in the romantic sense. It wasn't anything specific. Yet, at some point she had the realization that she was jealous only of Kristoff. She wanted to hold Anna and cuddle the way Kristoff got to. And that was _wrong_, she told herself. Sisters hugged, but not like that.

Without any knowledge of the formation of these feelings and barely understanding them in the first place, how was she to teach herself to move on?


	4. Chapter 4

Dinner with Anna and Kristoff: Elsa's favorite, totally not awkward time of day, rivaled only by… well, any other time she had to be around them as a couple. They were so damn flirty and cute! Elsa felt extra guilt at being jealous instead of feeling happy for Anna, who was clearly so in love. A good sister would just be happy. A good sister wouldn't—

_Stop it_, she commanded herself. Getting into that sort of train of thought was nothing but trouble.

"Hi~" Anna greeted suddenly, running into the dining room hand-in-hand with Kristoff. "Sorry we're… wait, are we late?"

Possibly, but honestly she didn't really care right now. Still, as queen and older sister, she was supposed to care about punctuality. "You're not late."

"Okay, good!"

They went through the formalities and began to eat. Anna launched excitedly into a story about a squirrel or something, which had been what caused them to be almost lae.

Elsa pretended to listen, but her attention was mostly occupied by focusing on concealing her feelings.

Anna and Kristoff started to be a bit more lovey-dovey, and Elsa cringed as her teeth closed on solid ice, which had once been carrots on the end of her fork. The whole fork was frozen. Well. At least she was lucky in that their meal arrangements were very proper and thus had multiple forks. She hid that one with a napkin and tried to finish the rest of her food as quickly as she could without being improper, wanting to excuse herself from the situation as soon as she could. At this point, she _needed_ to do so, or she ran the risk of freezing more things. She could really only hide that for so long in the presence of others.

Soon, she stood and explained, "I ought to get back to work. I will see you tomorrow."

Anna nodded, but Elsa could see that she felt troubled at this. "Okay, well… good luck with your work."

"Thank you."


	5. Chapter 5

"Elsa?" Anna knocked at her door.

Weeks had passed and Elsa had only grown more distant. It worried Anna terribly. Elsa had noticed this in herself as well. Here she was again, secluding herself in her icy room because she loved Anna and was afraid to hurt her. Afraid and disgusted with herself. Unable to control her powers. Part of her said she couldn't let this happen, yet at the same time she didn't know how to stop it. She was lost and confused, hurting and telling herself not to feel.

Not knowing what to say, Elsa remained silent.

"Elsa?" she tried again. "A…are you awake?"

There were so memories of the two in positions similar to this, but that was supposed to be in the past now. She placed a hand on the door and leaned her forehead against her hand.

"I love you. Please don't do this. I'm here for you. Whatever is going on, you can talk to me about it. I promise."

She felt the door receive weight on the other side as Elsa sat with her back to the door. She couldn't let Anna see her like this; at her sister's words, she found herself just barely fighting back tears.

"I can't," Elsa said softly. She didn't want to get into a conversation about this – she _really_ didn't – but for Anna's sake… she couldn't shut her out again.

She felt relieved to receive any sort of response, even if it was just that. "Why not?"

"I… I just can't." She cringed. Familiar words.

Anna noticed it as well, but she didn't say anything about it. That wasn't what was important right now. "I know you can; you're the strongest, most amazing person I know," she encouraged.

"But I can't bear to have you hate me." Her voice broke at this.

Her heart hurt. She wished she could just hug Elsa and make whatever was making her feel so bad go away. "I could never hate you."

But that was under normal circumstances. Anna wouldn't even consider this truth as a possibility. That's how ridiculous… unnatural… disgusting she was. Anna would undoubtedly not be able to stop from hating her if she knew. If she even wanted to stop herself. No, Elsa decided, Anna _should_ hate her. Everyone should. Yet here she was, selfishly hiding so they won't.

"Something is _wrong_ with me," Elsa finally said by way of explanation.

There was so much despair in her sister's voice, and Anna had no idea what she meant. It didn't sound like an illness… unless it was a grave one, but wait, there would be no reason to even think she would hate her if it was like that, so… She shook her head, deciding to stop trying to guess. "Like what?"

There was no way for her to answer that question. "I don't know. There just… is." She was aware of why she knew there was something wrong with her, but she didn't know what caused it. What made her wrong like she thought she was.

How was she supposed to respond to that? If Elsa didn't know, it was hard to refute it or comfort her or anything. "Do you want me to get a doctor?" she tried.

"It's not that kind of something wrong. It's not my body. It's me. Who I am, as a person." She looked up at the ceiling. There was ice creeping up the walls and that seemed the only place where she wouldn't have to stare at it. She knew it was there, but… it was painful to see it. It just added to her guilt, a reminder she had no control over her powers.

"You're a wonderful person!" Anna objected.

Hearing Anna say that, naïve to the reason behind her words, was also painful to Elsa. She wanted Anna to see her that way, but she knew there was no way Anna's opinion wouldn't change if she knew. That's why she couldn't tell her. She was such a pathetic coward.

"Elsa…" Anna didn't know what to say. Elsa was such an amazing person, and Anna just wished so much that she could see that.


	6. Chapter 6

"Can I come in?" Anna tried.

Elsa hesitated, and Anna was fairly sure she knew why. She could feel the door growing continuously colder throughout the conversation. Maybe she didn't want to be seen crying, too, as much as it was evident from her voice. It wasn't exactly like Elsa was used to having someone there to comfort her.

She almost wanted to ask Anna to leave her alone, but she couldn't do that to her. Not after their past. Still, there was no place good for this conversation to go.

"I just… need some time to sort out my thoughts."

She felt herself beginning to grow frustrated, but she tried to bite it back. Unfortunately, she had never been good at hiding her feelings. "You've been avoiding me for _weeks_. At least tell me what 'thoughts' you're trying to sort out!" Realizing her outburst, she added gently, "Please, I want to help you."

"I'm sorry." She couldn't tell her. She just couldn't. Anna would be repulsed. And why shouldn't she be? Elsa was her big sister. God, she failed at being a sister in every way possible, didn't she? Here she was with her feelings turning something beautiful – their newly discovered, wonderful sister relationship – into something… corrupt.

"You don't need to apologize… just tell me what's wrong."

Elsa shook her head, though Anna couldn't see it. "I can't."

"Why not?"

This was beginning to feel a bit circular.

"Anna, there's nothing else I can say. Please just accept that."

She hated this; she was being pushed away again. She refused. "No! Elsa, I _won't_ accept that! I'm not going to let you shut me out again!" Part of her felt guilty for saying this, because she knew that wasn't quite fair both in terms of now and in their past, but as tears ran down her cheeks she couldn't bring herself to take it back. She just wanted her to listen!

If Anna felt guilty, Elsa felt it a hundred times over. She was right, but… how could Elsa tell her? She couldn't.

"Elsa, _talk to me!_" she said, almost begging.

Elsa could hear from her voice that she was crying, which added further to her own tears. Even so, there was really nothing she could say. She wished she could just make these damned feelings disappear!

After a while longer of silence, Anna's emotions had built to a boiling point. "I will never forgive you if you do this to me!" She hated this. She hated saying things that she knew would hurt Elsa. She didn't want to hurt her… she just was so desperate to get Elsa to talk to her. What she really wanted to do was to keep assuring her sister that she was there, and she loved her, but she had been trying that and it just hadn't been working.

"I'm so sorry," Elsa said, so weakly she wasn't sure if it was audible.

She just barely heard Elsa's apology, and it made her heart ache. She felt utterly defeated.

The last thing Elsa heard was Anna's footsteps as she walked away.


	7. Chapter 7

The next several days were spent with the sisters completely avoiding each other, and it hurt both of them terribly. Elsa had taken to leaving her room as infrequently as possible.

True love was putting someone else's needs before your own… That was a concept she was all too familiar with. But what was Anna's need? Elsa couldn't decide if it would hurt her more to know what kind of twister person her sister really was, or to feel pushed away again.

Well, if Anna hated her and wanted Elsa out of her life, maybe that would hurt less than longing? She really wasn't sure, at this point… Anna thought she wanted to know the truth, but she said so with no idea what it was. Elsa felt like it would be corrupting her sister's innocence just to tell her. To open her eyes to the fact that some people were so… licentious. Then again, Elsa felt like there was probably no one else like her. Not even realizing there was a word for it, she honestly thought she was the only lesbian in the world.

Eventually, she decided to speak with Anna. She secretly wrote up arrangements for if Anna couldn't stand to live under the same roof as her, because she would rather let Anna be the one to stay.

"Anna?" she called through the bedroom door before knocking. "Do you… want to build a snowman?"

It had become their reconciliatory phrase. Anna heard it and knew why Elsa had come, so she opened the door and threw her arms around her. She'd hated avoiding her so much!

Elsa hugged Anna as close as she could, fearing it would be the last time.

When they broke the hug, Anna stepped back to allow Elsa into the room. She didn't think much of the tightness with which Elsa had held her, assuming it to be for the same reason as her own.

Elsa closed the door behind her, eyes looking nervously at anything except Anna. She stood there in silence a while, until the floor became frosty and Anna spoke.

"So… what is it?" she asked, reaching for Elsa's hands.

Elsa hesitated. She could barely get the words out. "I love you."

"I love you too," Anna answered without any hesitation at all. She assumed Elsa was saying it as an addition to the snowman question, or in an attempt to reassure herself before she continued on to explain the problem.

She hung her head. Of course Anna would assume she meant it in a normal way. Elsa pulled her hands away and turned so her back was to Anna, not wanting to see her face as she said, "I mean… I'm _in_ love with you."

"_In_ love?" she asked, sounding confused. She must be misunderstanding something.

Elsa nodded, looking for all the world like she wanted to disappear into the icy floor. "I love you… the way Kristoff does."

"O…oh." She pretended that made sense, except it didn't. Elsa was a girl. Elsa was her sister.

"I…I'm sorry," Elsa said, trying with all her might not to cry. "I'll go now."

Anna wanted to say something. Wanted to tell her not to leave or something… Well, really what she wanted was for Elsa not to be sad. But she didn't know what to say, so she remained silent, even as she heard the door shut once again.


	8. Chapter 8

Elsa could only cry. She'd lost Anna. The silence confirmed it. Anna must hate her.

She paced, insisting to herself that she not feel. She needed to figure out what to do, but first she needed to get her hopelessly rampant emotions under some semblance of control.

She told herself… scolded herself… _pleaded_ herself to stop feeling. Don't feel! Conceal it! Don't let it show! Don't feel! She let herself sink to the floor, hopelessness setting in as more and more ice formed.

What was she supposed to do?

The snow stopped moving and the ice stopped growing. Everything had frozen, in both senses of the word, except the lone figure sobbing on the floor.

Anna was never going to forgive her. She must hate her. This must be what was best for the Princess, but god it hurt like hell. She would never see her sister again – maybe in the literal sense, but not really. Elsa assumed that in light of this knowledge, Anna would see her the way she saw herself. Anna would think she was disgusting. Filth. Monster. The lowest, most pathetic, reprobate existence on the planet. All illusion Anna might have otherwise had certainly must have been shattered to bits.

* * *

Elsa stayed like that for a while. She couldn't have guessed how long, exactly, but she did know the sun had been up when she went to go talk to Anna. Now her room was cold and dark in every sense.

Time to figure out what to do.

Maybe it would be better for her to leave. Where would she go? Her ice palace remained in the North Mountains. She would be pretty easy to find there, but being found wasn't a concern when no one was looking.

She picked up a quill, hoping her glove would keep the ice under control enough to write.

_Dear Anna,_

_I am so, so sor_

The ink froze. She got another bottle. Elsa always kept quite a few handy, since this was not uncommon. At least the staff now understood why it took her several bottles of ink to write a single-page document.

_ry for fai_

There went another one.

_ling you_

It didn't usually happen this quickly. Looking down, she saw the whole quill had frozen… to the parchment. Clearly this letter was not getting written. She'd had the whole thing planned out in her head, but she couldn't exactly ask Kai to write it for her. In fact, she should probably get going a bit after everyone had fallen asleep so the staff wouldn't say anything… or even notice, for that matter. She triple-checked the arrangements she had made, then laid them out on her bed so they couldn't be overlooked. Leaving was for Anna's sake, to save her from having to attempt to live with, or even interact with Elsa. But she couldn't abandon Arendelle with no plan for its well-being.


	9. Chapter 9

A whole day had passed an no one had heard a thing from Elsa. Anna still was inclined to avoid her, still not knowing what to say. But two days later, everyone was beginning to really worry. She insisted she should be the one to talk to her. She didn't say as much, but she knew why Elsa was avoiding her, and by extension, the whole castle. She still really didn't know what to say, but for her to literally never come out during the day… it was concerning. Anna still cared about her sister. So she had to say something. Anything.

"Elsa?" She knocked. She didn't expect a response, nor did she get one. She sat against the door. "I…I'm sorry for not saying anything the other day. I just… didn't know what to say." More silence. She was tempted to ask her to build a snowman, but she didn't. She felt a little uncomfortable with Elsa right now, just because she was so confused by her sister's confession.

The door hadn't changed temperature in the slightest, which was unusual.

"Elsa?" She knocked again from her sitting position. The other unusual thing: it did not feel like Elsa's weight was on the other side of the door as it tended to be. "Can I come in?"

No answer. She was really beginning to worry.

"I'm coming in, okay?"

She opened the door and shivered. So much ice… Her eyes scanned around the room. There was no sign of Elsa. Then she noticed papers on the bed, and one lying on the ground with a quill frozen to it. Naturally, that was the one she went to read first.

She had to really focus in order to read it, considering the ice, but she managed.

"Dear Anna," she read aloud, "I am so, so sorry for failing you."

She quickly went to the bed in hopes of finding some continuation, or explanation, or _something_.

What she found, skimming through the titles and headings, were plans for the kingdom in Elsa's absence, written by Elsa herself as evidence by the occasional ice or teardrop smear.

Her heart seemed to stop at that realization.


	10. Chapter 10

A/N: So, here is the final chapter. This isn't how I had _planned_ to end it, but it's... how the story ends anyway. Well, this is the only chapter I like of this story, and forcing more would be doing it an injustice. Anyway, I want to move on to new projects; this was my first Frozen fanfic and honestly I consider it pretty bad.

* * *

.

* * *

Well. Here she was again, alone in her ice palace. She took solace in knowing it was in Anna's best interests. Everyone was better off this way.

Of course, in saying that, she wasn't factoring in her own happiness at all. There was nothing new about that, though.

She contented herself with making ice sculptures, even though her loneliness made them saggy and cracked.

At least being able to do this made it better than her adolescence, feeling afraid to use her powers for anything.

* * *

It was a few hours later when she heard the palace doors open. Startled, her sculpture spiked out in all directions. She looked down to see—

Elsa had been about to speak when Anna absolutely launched herself at her.

"Don't scare me like that!" Anna nearly yelled, right next to Elsa's ear. She was crying.

"What?" She took Anna's hug as permission to touch her, and though she did so tentatively, she put her arms around her sister.

"A…all I saw was your note, with all the ice, and you sounded so sad in it and you were apologizing so much, and you had all those papers about running the kingdom without you, that it looked like you'd been crying over, and I got so scared!" She buried her face into Elsa's shoulder.

Oh. Oh, no… she hadn't at all realized how that would look. "I'm sorry," she said, drawing Anna closer to her. "I didn't… think about it that way."

Anna didn't need to ask why Elsa had left. She already knew the answer. "No, _I'm_ sorry. For avoiding you. I just… I didn't know what to say." She looked Elsa in the eye. "You're my sister, and I will always love you as that." Her eyes lowered. "Just, I don't really understand. I didn't know it was possible to feel that way about, you know, another girl."

Elsa had teared up at Anna's acceptance of her. "I don't understand it either. I… tried to think I was mistaken, because I didn't think it was possible either, but… it must be, because I am. And I know it must be wrong, but…"

Anna interrupted her. "You can't help how you feel. And, I think that love is never wrong. It's the most beautiful thing there is."

At this, Elsa couldn't stop herself from crying, although it was with a genuine smile. She let herself rest her head on Anna's shoulder. "I love you," she said, then quickly caught herself. "I mean—"

"It's okay," Anna assured her, pulling her a little closer. "Like I said, you're my sister. You're allowed to say that. I love you too."


End file.
